Categorized | Kasi Diaries

What Am I Supposed to do Before Mr. Right Comes?

The Reluctant Independent Woman

Fisani’s article on “Girls Run The World” got me thinking and agreeing with his deduction that although women are indeed starting to run the world, men definitely still own it. I found myself being prompted to address another misconception, “The Independent Woman.” I have felt compelled to write about my views on the “The independent Woman” for a while and this feels like an opportune time to do so.

For generations now women have evolved, whilst varying the degrees of dependency on their male counterparts. Our grandparents’ generation was confined to the parameters set by society. There was an expectation that a woman should settle and pre-occupy herself with her family. And settle they did!

The next generation of women was secretly told by their mothers and aunts to wait before settling and to get an education first. The previous generation began living somewhat vicariously through their daughters, in some cases explicitly displaying regrets which they had previously become privy to disguising, hiding and suppressing, whilst initially nurturing and raising those same daughters.

The daughters heeded their mother’s advice for the most part, whilst their mothers willingly acted as a safety net by raising any grandchildren born before their daughters had obtained that sought-after education.

Fast forward to our generation ( I was born in the 80’s) – having the honour of having mothers setting the way for us, obtaining the highest academic qualifications, and taking over the workplace. We have born witness to the original independent woman. These women married at an older age than the generation before them, had their own businesses and wrote the blueprint for “I Am Woman: When I Think I Must Speak.”

We grew up seeing that it was possible to have the smarts and do as well our mothers. They told us we could do anything whilst secretly whispering in our ears as their mothers did. However, this time the message was different… reminding us of the importance of settling, explicitly displaying their regrets that they had hidden so well whilst raising and nurturing us.

The debate about women has been the epitome of the song that doesn’t end. At times, it’s exhaustive in its nature and rather patronizing. You would be forgiven for believing that there is a new alpha female who can do bad all by herself!

I am yet to meet that woman. I have met women who have had no choice but to do bad all by themselves. I call them the reluctant independent woman.

Women have had to straighten their backs and brush their hair and ‘make bank’ on their own because ‘What am I supposed to do before Mr. Right comes?’

Who will pay my bills? Who will take out the trash? Or fix my computer? I have no choice but to be independent.

We are excitedly anticipating playing happy families but before then I will pre- occupy myself with what I can control – my drive – I’ll make sure I run my world!

Natasha Fuyane

Twitter: @snowdroponline
Website: www.snowdroponline.com

 

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- who has written 4 posts on Kasi Times.

Social media consultant & Founder of www.snowdroponline.com Twitter: @snowdroponline

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  • Savannah

    I agree! So much is expected from women -it’s confusing at times.

  • nhlabano

    gr8t stuff want more!!!!!

  • Blessing

    well written piece , we want more

  • Khanye

    Nice girl. I jus wanted it to go on… ok, we now know the making of the reluctant independent woman, BUT who is she? What does she look like? What makes her tick? Just curious.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @Khanye – she looks like me ? lol. She’s every woman that’s changing the light bulb for herself!
      I think @bigmums really articulated what makes her tick. what do you think?

  • bigmums

    She is the one who put running her world before starting a family, she emerges at around the age of 28 – 29 when everyone is constantly asking her who she is dating, when she will get married and when she will have children. What makes her tick, is living above society’s expectations while coming to terms with the fact that to most African men, she is too old and too independent to make a good wife. I do not think for most women its about reluctance tho, I think todays young women feel like they have options, that they should not settle for less. Back in the day, marriage was the only way out, women needed a caretaker and that came in the form of a husband, but we are our own financial caretakers now and therefore when it comes to choosing an emotional caretaker, a lifetime partner, we are choosier than the women before us because what we need from Mr Right has evolved. ThereforeI would not call her reluctant, I just think she wants more than what is being offered and kudos to her for knowing what she wants and sticking up for it. And to all my women out there, Mr Right is not a bus that u wait for to come ur way, sometimes u have to blaze that trail on ur own 2 feet and u will find him lost in the bush somewhere, so dont wait, do ur thang and the rest………. God willing.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      ‘Mr Right is not a bus that u wait for to come ur way, sometimes u have to blaze that trail on ur own 2 feet and u will find him lost in the bush somewhere, so dont wait, do ur thang and the rest’ ….I like!!!

      I totally agree – snd most importantly it’s about having the foresight to envision the furure. YOur future partner does not have to be the complete article- as long as he has a vision and knows where he is going – that is a start.

      But before then – women still have to run their worlds & that is at times misconstrued as the man not having any room to fit into our world.

  • Fisani

    Wow.. I LIKE I LIKE… agree with you on this this article, but the independent women has also had an effect of how men view them “The independent woman”.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @Fisani – how have they done that though?
      In the workplace,business – women have had to stand toe to toe with their male counterparts – that means working in the confine’s of a man’s world.
      Any sign of emotion is considered a weakness- as a result we have had to toughen up & have a harder exterior to make it. The reason women have to make it is because we have bills to pay like our brothers..

  • Irvin

    Articulate piece of work women empowerment is the way to go.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      agree – we can be empowered without emasculating!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13133299820325914278 Judith Ugwumadu

    A well written piece, I agree – I can see why you may be ‘a reluctant independent woman’. At the end of the day, ‘running our world’ is now a way of life that we have become accustom to, it has been so deeply ingrained in young ladies minds that they have to be strong and empowering…well this is what the feminist worked for, but some women are just plain aggressive. On the other hand not all women want to be like that, take ‘Playboy’ for example. Although, I do believe this ‘way of life’ can only work up until the point you find Mr Right ‘lost in the bush somewhere’ lol, because what man is going to want a women so strong headed – running her world and his? It will never work. It’s all about acknowledging the fact that in order to find Mr Right you ensure the balancing act of been a strong women (running your world) with been a virtuous women.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13133299820325914278 Judith Ugwumadu

    A well written piece, I agree – I can see why you may be ‘a reluctant independent woman’. At the end of the day, ‘running our world’ is now a way of life that we have become accustom to, it has been so deeply ingrained in young ladies minds that they have to be strong and empowering…well this is what the feminist worked for, but some women are just plain aggressive. On the other hand not all women want to be like that, take ‘Playboy’ for example. Although, I do believe this ‘way of life’ can only work up until the point you find Mr Right ‘lost in the bush somewhere’ lol, because what man is going to want a women so strong headed – running her world and his? It will never work. It’s all about acknowledging the fact that in order to find Mr Right you ensure the balancing act of been a strong women (running your world) with been a virtuous women.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @ Judith – that’s interesting and the balancing act is one that is almost imposiible to achieve I believe – but worth aspiring towards.

      ”what man is going to want a women so strong headed – running her world and his?” – I agree but just because the woman is running things on her own does not mean she will not accomodate her future partner when the time comes.

  • Chim

    The concept of the independent woman is somewhat overrated. Men need women, women need men. Let’s all just get along.

  • @soyamocha

    I’m gonna sit on the fence with Chim for this one #fornow

    Very good article. The social evolution of gender roles is the deepest issue and one which I think resonates more with our angry black sisters (i joke)

    More from me later…

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @soyamocha

      Men have been sitting on the fence for so long, that’s why women have to run things!

      I’ll be waiting for more ( if you manage to get off the fence!..lol )

  • Chim

    How about we humour the women by conceding that they run the world? LOL. The need for women to feel that they run the world is always a source of amusement. Women should feel secure in their role on the planet. Among other things, you have the hardest job-carrying a foetus and pushing it past the finish line. The relationship between men and women is not a competitive one; it is a complementary relationship.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @Chim – I agree that it is complimentary

      I must admit that you had me cracking up at

      ”you have the hardest job-carrying a foetus and pushing it past the finish line.”

  • Buki Akinleye

    Interesting piece. I’m also an eighties baby (yay us!) so I’m part of the generation that grew up listening to female empowerment fuelled songs by TLC, Spice Girls and Destiny’s Child; we were told that we’re equal to and often times better than men and I suppose the independent women notion is a an extension of this rigorous feminism. On the other hand I grew up in a traditional African family setting in the UK, where daddy is the head of the home, mummy is formerly second in command (but behind the scenes is really running the show with her persuasive wiles) and both parents have clear defined roles. I can clearly recall my popsie, informing me that (#cue thick Yoruba accent) ‘when you’re in this house you’re in the Federal Republic of Nigeria and when you’re outside you’re in London’.

    Obviously the ’independent woman’ notion is at odds with the traditional African gender framework and I must admit it was a bit confusing growing up, but I’ve learnt that for the modern African woman it’s best to seamlessly blend the two and take the best bits from both.

    At the end of the day Mr Right is still going to want to chop pounded yam with a sweet tasting egusi soup, is he going to chop my honours degree or extensive investment portfolio, please tell me my sister. Please note that I’m by no means suggesting being confined with a ball and chain to hard labour in the kitchen, but we should know our way around one.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @ Buki – I agree that we should know our way round the kitchen too- what I am saying is that we do know our way – but in the mean time we have to find our way around a man’s world.

      • Buki Akinleye

        Forget finding our way around a man’s world, we need to find our way to our destiny my dear. We should do what u are called to do and called to be and anything that will graciously help us to get there is necessary.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @Buki – I like this by the way ‘when you’re in this house you’re in the Federal Republic of Nigeria and when you’re outside you’re in London’.

      I think a lot of us can actually relate to that.

  • http://www.itsdelta.wordpress.com Delta

    You nailed it girl! I am really proud to be associated with you… Mr Right will come along whenever he comes along but in the meantime – life is for living!

  • Uche

    The independent woman thing is overrated. They end up alone & bitter

  • nezi

    like it,proud of you natasha.

  • GST

    The way I read it, I think the emphasis is on the ”reluctant” independent woman. It’s not pitting men against women, neither is it a question of allocating power between sexes as some comments have extended it. Please sisters, get on with your life, we wouldn’t want to find that all you have been doing in life is honing your pounded yam cookery skills. The best of men will be completely uninspired.

    • Buki Akinleye

      of course the best of men will be uninspired if a chick can only pound yam, this is 2011 and people have bills to pay, accustomed lifestyles to maintain and excusive holidays to pay for, which is why there has to be a balance of work and home. the most fulfilled women are those who have this down and by home i don’t necessarily mean being married with kids, but also maintaining meaningful and lasting relationships with family and friends. A lot of career focused ‘independent’ women and even housewives sometimes feel like they are foregoing one for the other, let’s mix it up and get the best of both worlds!

  • Kci

    nice one,I love it Tash

  • GMAN

    Beware of that man of one book.Somewhere in the shadows he lurks,furtively sniffing or is it searching for a Miss/Mrs Right.And unfortunately blind!blind! is this so called LOVE.

    THE DANCE THIS PEN HAS STARTED SHOULD NEVER CEASE.

  • http://yahoomail Beauty Chimbetete

    I love it when girls think. Keep it up girl. I believe man needs woman more than woman needs man. I love the way you put it across.

  • http://yahoomail Beauty Chimbetete

    Good writing. I just wanted it to go on. Give us more—-please.
    I love your style too.

  • Buki Akinleye

    the whole notion of being independent is a cruel hoax, non of us male or female are independent of each other. Everything we do and experience are lessons learnt that help shape us and help us to forge stronger friendships, relationships and family ties. Let’s not see singleness as independence (reluctant or otherwise) but as gaining the tools to be a more fully rounded person for ourselves and others.

    • http://www.snowdroponline.com Natasha Fuyane

      @Buki – great comments. What I was trying to outline in the article is that most women are not seeking to be defined as the hard nosed, don’t -need- a- man woman.

      But the issue is that at times, when you then take steps to gain tools,better yourself or simply pay your bills- one is labelled an ”independent woman”. By it’s description there is nothing wrong with being an independent woman but this has now taken on a layered meaning & frankly been filed in the same file as ‘feminist’.

      I am trying to simple turn the coin and perhaps unravel the myth.

  • http://www.westmead.co.uk Bright Mumvuri

    ……Food for thought, Thanks sis Tasha!

  • http://n/a Buzz

    This is such a stunning and timeless piece. Why I say is that it is so relevant today, tomorrow and even yesterday. I wonder why we would never want to be ndependent women if independence is such a natural thing.. I mean, think about this? Instead of moping around all day for Mr Right to come and waltz you off your feet, why don’t you live life in the meantime and just make the most of what you have for the moment.. This piece is sort of justifying the independent woman, who is often looked down upon in our society.. Its ok to be alone and loving it!! and its also ok to find your man and take on the marriage thing.. But either way, we are happy and loving our lives! I love it.. Thank you and yes, WE WANT MORE

  • http://www.gugusplum.wordpress.com Gugu

    You couldn’t have said it better. For most women, independance is the best alternative while they wait for Mr Right. Unfortunately it’s often mistaken for arrogance.

  • janet phiri

    very very nice Natasha, keep up the good work…xox

  • http://awesumwebsites.info Relentless

    @ the o/p. There are laws in nature which we as self-directed humans on own volition can choose to abide by, or choose to ignore. Then there is there law of unintended consequences, which often tend to hit us by surprise. These are no less obvious in hindsight.

    The situation confronting todays independent woman should not really come as a surprise. But be careful that whatever stance you take given your current situation will/must have consequences.

    So as an independent woman, what do you think your mr right would be like? I’d like to venture he’d be the type who has no problem, like a leech, being dependent on you. If you’re ok with this, that’s fine too.

    Just remember your natural tendencies will be stronger than your rational mind (nature knows best): inside of you sits a biological clock, you have a need to be nurturing, preside over a brood, create a nesting environment in order that our species may be propagated.

    Of course an option is always to just continue what you’re doing right now. Nothing wrong with that, but as one commenter has said… you’re bound to end up cold, lonely and embittered, way past your sell by date, where your looks will no longer attract any man. Then what?

    We all have been recipients of the gift of life. The best thing you can do with it is to pay it forward. Then your breath and life on earth has not been wasted chasing peripherals that ultimately mean zilch.

    The fact that you wrote this piece means that your soul is talking, and your rational mind/intellect cannot wrap itself around the issues confronting you. Take the time and space to heed the message. Help make the world a better place.

    • U_sign_me

      Sit all the way down! Boy bye!

  • http://kasitimes Fortunate

    I really like everything thats being said keep it up Girls.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sibusisostsibs.hlongwane Sibusiso St Síbs Hlongwane

    This is very enlightning and very progressive because it’s not coming out as rather feminist on Anti but as involving to all the dynamics that face both sides of the fence, because there is no set Mr right just like there are no set rules of the perfect relationship it’s all relative to time, personna an space. The thing is the sooner we get away from Stereotypes that have no place for such a dynamic world and Mindset that is Manifesting in Man and woman alike, the sooner we can realize as a Africans that Tradition remains, so do our cultures but there is so much room for enlightened living and Synergy between all these dynamics we the generation of Today just need to Localise it so it suites our conditions and stop being so Damn Judgemental!! What is Wrong with being an African Alpha Male who doesn’t mind cooking Supper almost every night for his partner while she pursues her climb in the corporate world…I say Live your Life to the fullest your Mr Right will fit Seamlessly with you povided you don’t limit your dream man to conventional Standards

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